A groundbreaking relationship expert reveals eight major reasons finding a trustworthy mate might seem harder than ever.
“I Just Can’t Trust Anyone I Date”: A Relationship Expert Explains How To Open Up
Published on Feb. 12, 2025
About the expert
Ken Page, LCSW, is a renowned psychotherapist, the host of The Deeper Dating Podcast, and the author of the bestselling book Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy. He has been featured in O, The Oprah Magazine, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Cosmopolitan, The Advocate and more.
Highlights
- Choosing a partner who makes you feel safe and seen is key to deeper connection.
- Finding a trustworthy partner starts with honoring your emotions.
- Trust issues often stem from past wounds, cultural influences, or personal insecurities.
- Protective behaviors can block intimacy.
Valentine’s Day is the perfect example of when it can feel really isolating to be single. For many, this season of love doesn’t spark excitement. Instead, it stirs up hesitation, anxiety, and perhaps a nagging thought: I just can’t trust anyone I date.
Whether it’s lingering heartbreak or a deep-seated fear of getting too close, trust issues can make dating feel more like navigating a minefield than a path to connection. According to Ken Page, LCSW, a psychotherapist and host of The Deeper Dating Podcast, struggling with trust isn’t something to be ashamed of—it’s part of being human. “We’ve all been hurt in our lives,” Page explains. “Starting with our early relationships, all of us reach out with our most authentic selves, often naively when we’re young, and we get deeply wounded. These attachment wounds are some of the most profound we can have.”
Rather than seeing trust issues as a weakness, Page encourages us to recognize them as a natural response to the risks of love. “People talk about fear of intimacy like it’s some kind of pathology,” he says. “Love is … powerful and important. And of course, there are going to be fears around having it betrayed or lost.”
To understand why trust is so difficult, Page introduces the concept of core gifts (the most authentic, sensitive parts of ourselves). “Your core gifts are where you can feel the most love but also the most profound hurt,” he says. When these gifts are embraced and respected, they lead to deep connection. But when they are dismissed or betrayed, emotional wounds can form, making trust harder to rebuild.
In response to these wounds, we develop protective strategies that Page calls the zone of protection and, at its extreme, the zone of disconnection. “When we get hurt, we start building up tools of protection. That’s where we become numb, push people away, or stop sharing our feelings. These tools limit our capacity for intimacy,” he explains. While the zone of protection shields us from immediate pain, it also keeps us from meaningful connection. If we retreat too far, we risk entering the zone of disconnection, where emotional isolation makes trusting others even more difficult.
But trust isn’t a lost cause. “The true intimacy journey is the journey back toward that center,” Page says, “as an adult with the skills to honor ourselves and navigate love with wisdom.”
Ahead, Page addresses a common conundrum often searched as “I just can’t trust anyone I date” by breaking down why trust is so hard to build, the hidden reasons you might struggle with it, and how to take real steps toward trusting again.
Why you’re finding it hard to trust someone you date
From past traumas to cultural and societal influences, relationship expert Page reveals eight reasons, both subtle and significant, that may be making it difficult for you to trust someone you are dating:
1. Past emotional wounds
Our earliest relationships—whether with parents, caregivers, or close friends—lay the groundwork for how we view trust. If you experienced neglect, betrayal, or inconsistency growing up, those experiences can leave deep emotional scars. Even as adults, we may carry these unresolved feelings into our romantic relationships, making it difficult to fully open up, says Page.
2. Cultural and societal factors
Trust isn’t just shaped by personal experiences—it’s also influenced by the world around us. “If you are a member of a community that has been denigrated, you will have deep and profound trust wounds,” Page explains. This could apply to people of color, women, LGBTQ individuals, neurodivergent people, those with disabilities, and others who have faced systemic bias or societal rejection.
3. Unprocessed grief
Another reason it’s hard to trust is the “wound of unprocessed grief,” Page says. Grief doesn’t only come from losing a loved one, it can also stem from breakups, missed opportunities, or major life changes. When we don’t fully process our losses, the lingering sadness can color how we approach new relationships.
4. Past trauma
Trauma—whether from childhood, past relationships, or other life events—can profoundly affect your ability to trust. “Trauma is its own entity,” Page explains. “It can’t be addressed through better thinking or logic. It goes much deeper than that and requires a different kind of healing.” When trauma is left unprocessed, it can cause hypervigilance, making you constantly scan for signs of betrayal.
5. Romantic betrayal
If you’ve been cheated on, lied to, or betrayed in a past relationship, it’s natural to carry that fear into new ones. “When you’ve been betrayed, it shakes the foundation of what you believe about love and loyalty,” Page says. Even when you meet someone trustworthy, the emotional residue from past betrayals can make it hard to let your guard down.
6. Fear of abandonment
Abandonment doesn’t always come in the form of someone walking out the door. It can also be emotional distance, ghosting, or subtle neglect. “Any kind of way of being abandoned leaves a mark,” Page explains. These experiences can trigger anxiety in future relationships, leading you to either cling too tightly or push people away to protect yourself.
7. Stereotypes and assumptions
Sometimes, our distrust isn’t about the person we’re dating—it’s about assumptions we’ve made from past experiences. “We all have ways that we’ve been hurt that we then globalize to a gender or group,” Page says. For example, if you’ve been hurt by a man or woman in the past, you might subconsciously assume that all men or women will treat you the same way.
8. Lack of self-trust
One of the most overlooked reasons for trust issues is not trusting yourself. “If we don’t know how to trust our own feelings, our nervous system, or our instincts, we’ll always feel like we’re standing on a wobbly ladder in relationships,” Page explains. When you doubt your ability to judge situations accurately, it’s hard to feel secure with others.
Signs you’re not able to trust
Trust issues aren’t always obvious. While some signs like jealousy or suspicion are easy to spot, others can be much more subtle, even subconscious. According to Page, identifying these signs is the first step toward understanding your relationship with trust. “The first question isn’t whether your feelings are right or wrong,” he explains. “The first question is: Do I feel a lack of trust? That needs to be honored and explored before anything else.”
Here are some signs you might be struggling to trust in your relationship:
- Emotional numbness: Feeling disconnected or indifferent toward your partner.
- Chronic insecurity: Constant anxiety or uncertainty about where you stand in the relationship.
- Romantic or sexual obsession: Feeling overly fixated on your partner—or the opposite, experiencing a thwarted or diminished sexual drive.
- Pushing your partner away: Creating emotional or physical distance, withdrawing, or isolating yourself.
- Feeling cold or distant: A sudden drop in affection or warmth without a clear reason.
- Walking on eggshells: Constantly censoring yourself or feeling afraid to be vulnerable.
- Using substances to cope: Relying on alcohol, drugs, or other coping mechanisms to feel comfortable around your partner.
- Excessive criticism: Being overly critical of yourself or your partner.
Consequences of not trusting anyone
When trust is missing from a relationship, it doesn’t just create distance between you and your partner—it quietly affects your emotional well-being and overall happiness. Relationship expert Page describes this as “a loss of joy, a loss of warmth, and a feeling that you don’t have a home in the world.” Trust provides a foundation of safety and connection, and without it, relationships can feel hollow, leaving you emotionally isolated even when you’re not physically alone.
Over time, this lack of trust can lead to chronic anxiety, frustration, and a growing sense of loneliness. You may find yourself withdrawing not just from your partner, but from other areas of life, feeling stuck and disconnected. “When you look into your partner’s eyes and feel distrust instead of connection, it creates a kind of quiet violence to the spirit,” he says. Over time, this emotional disconnection can lead to stagnation, making it difficult to grow or feel fulfilled. But while the impact of distrust runs deep, the journey to rebuilding trust—with yourself and others—is always possible.
How to trust again
1. Honor your sensitivities
Before you can trust others, you need to recognize and value your own emotional landscape. Rather than dismissing your feelings as overreactions, view them as important signals. Start by noticing what fills your heart and what hurts it. When something stings, instead of thinking, I’m being too sensitive, ask yourself, “What part of me feels unseen or dishonored?”
“When you can name your core gifts and see them as strengths instead of flaws, you build a backbone,” Page explains. “That’s the foundation for trust, both in yourself and in others.”
2. Surround yourself with supportive people
Rebuilding trust doesn’t happen in isolation. It thrives in relationships where you feel safe, valued, and understood. “We don’t learn self-love by pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps,” says Page. “We learn it through our interactions with people who treasure us for who we are.”
Whether it’s trusted friends, family members, or a licensed therapist, having people in your life who see and support your true self is crucial. These relationships provide the emotional safety needed to heal old wounds and open up to new connections.
3. Communicate your needs clearly
Once you’ve started honoring your own feelings, the next step is sharing them with your partner. “Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t say it mean,” Page advises. Being able to express your needs calmly and clearly helps build trust and fosters deeper intimacy.
If you’re feeling vulnerable, don’t be afraid to voice it. “When you ask for what you need and your partner meets you there, that’s when deeper intimacy blossoms,” says Page. On the flip side, keeping your feelings bottled up can create distance and assumptions that further erode trust.
4. Use tools to strengthen communication
Good communication is the backbone of trust, and there are tools that can help couples navigate this process. Page recommends resources like Harville Hendrix’s Safe Conversations and John and Julie Gottman’s Fight Right, which offer practical strategies for building healthier relationships.
One of the most effective concepts is the idea of bids—small gestures or attempts to connect with your partner. It could be something as simple as pointing out a beautiful sunset or sharing a story from your day. “The number of bids your partner picks up—and that you pick up from them—is a huge indicator of the health of your relationship,” Page explains. Responding to these small moments helps build trust over time.
5. Organize your love life around one important question
At the heart of learning to trust again is this one question: “Does my soul feel safe and seen by this person?” Page suggests using this as a guiding principle in all your relationships.
“When you organize your search for love around this question, you become aligned with your authenticity,” he explains. When the answer is yes, it’s a sign you’ve found someone who respects and values you for who you truly are. This mindset can even shift who you’re attracted to. “When you’re organized around self-honoring, you’ll become allergic to people who don’t see or appreciate you,” he says. “Your romantic and sexual attractions will shift, and you’ll naturally draw in people who are good for you.”
When to listen to your gut
When you’re struggling with trust, one of the biggest challenges is figuring out whether your feelings are rooted in reality—or if they’re shaped by past experiences. Should you trust your instincts, or are old wounds clouding your judgment?
According to Page, “If you’re going to make this work, you have to assume that you’re right in feeling this way,” he says. “Your nervous system is probably telling you something. It might be mixed with old fears or projections, but there’s some truth in it, and ignoring that will only make things worse.”
Once you’ve acknowledged your feelings, the next step is to investigate them. Ask yourself: Has my partner given me a concrete reason not to trust them, or am I reacting strongly because of past experiences? It is important to recognize patterns that indicate real issues, such as dishonesty, abuse, or boundary-crossing. At the same time, it is essential to understand when anxiety is being triggered by old wounds.
However, there are certain caveats to consider when deciding whether to trust your gut. “If you have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), active addiction, or an untreated mental health condition, your perception of trust can be profoundly skewed,” Page cautions. In these cases, seek professional support from a licensed therapist that can help you untangle what’s real from what’s rooted in past trauma.
Ultimately, learning when to trust your gut comes down to trusting yourself. “When you build a strong connection with your own feelings and instincts, you’ll naturally become better at discerning who deserves your trust,” Page concludes.
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